Invisible

There are days where I feel invisible, I feel like I don't have my own voice. There are days where I want to branch out and do something for me, yet seem paralyzed with fear. But if my husband wanted to do something new, I wouldn't think twice. I think its years of putting his needs before mine. I don't even know what my needs are some days, By the end of the day I am exhausted from everyday being a caregiver, working in the house, emailing, budgeting, returning phone calls, making appointments, and everything else that comes up, like today our accessible van (which is new and we love it) but the power door that works with the ramp decided not to work, so I had to call rollx three times, leave messages and yet no phone call. Then I looked at Yuriy's skin today and the bumps I noticed the other day have not gone away or have gotten a little worse. So I had to call the doctor to fit him in tomorrow. We were going to attend a black tie event but now its looking more like we will be not going, hope we get invited next year..
I guess this happens when your a caregiver, you loose your identity. How do you get it back?
That is a journey I am now now. I feel like I lost who I was and am not even sure what I like to do or what I don't like to do. For five years its been all about my husband.
I am not saying this as a bad thing, my life had to be about him in order for him to get to where he is now, he is healthy, happy and getting the best treatment and I am proud of that fact. I take pride in how well I care for him and advocate for him.
But I have to begin to find me. Now this may sounds easy enough but in fact its very difficult. When my husband was injured I was 19 years old. I have changed so much since then.
I am a strong and wiser woman. I know more about life then I ever though possible. I learned that the little things that make me mad are not worth my time.
My outlook is that if it doesnt kill you it can only make you stronger, and I must be able to lift a semi in the air! LOL. I think there are good people in the world, I think that people that come into our lives for a reason and leave for a reason, The thing I have learned is that, if you have to work hard to keep someone in your life, it may be a sign. If they don't have the best interest for you or people you love, again may not be the person you want in your life anyway.
Its ok to feel pain, hurt, sadness and happiness. I have not achieved this yet, but I do feel its a good thing. There are days where the memories are too much and I just can't feel that much pain. But other days I just feel numb and empty.
Things that make me happy are, my cats, Meshka and Boris, accomplishing something, my nephews, my family, when my husband has a good day, good music, my home, my friends, nature and taking pictures. I used to enjoy scrap booking but right now I don't have the patience to sit there and do it. I want to start working out because i feel that will release some stress I carry around.
I also realized that I enjoy gardening :)

<3 Aimee

Miss you...

Mama Zmysly, Ginny, My mom and I in 2005.


This weekend was amazing and busy.
Saturday we successfully pulled off a surprise party for my best friend Amber. Her boyfriend had been planning this for a few months and asked if we could have it at our house. I said of course, having no prior knowledge or experience with surprise parties it was a learning process. I decorated and made sure everything was in place, my mom helped a lot and also Joe, her boyfriend took care of most of things. It was a combined effort. I text messaged her around the time I was suppose to, saying my basement (that is being remodeled) started to flood. Luckily she didn't talk to me on the phone because she wouldn't have believed me LOL. She came in and the look on her face was priceless. I am so happy I could be a part of her day. She really has stood by me through everything I have gone through. She always listens, never judges me and has accepted Yuriy for who he is and treats him equally. That is why she is my best friend.

The next day was Mother's day. I had volunteered our house to have a early dinner with my family. I think we should put a sign out front saying Party House! LOL I love it, although the clean up sucks, I really enjoy having everyone over. Usually if we went anywhere Yuriy would get uncomfortable, especially in public, like a restaurant, he would want to leave within an hour or so. Here is his home, his sofa is his safe zone, and he will hang out with everyone and I don't have to worry about leaving early and miss out on spending time with my family and friends. So mom and I got dinner ready, while the kids and my brothers were outside in the back yard. My mom said she loved that everyone was laid back and just had a relaxing day. So it was a successful Mothers day.

Mother's day can be difficult for Yuriy as well as myself. It makes us reflect on how it would be if his mom were still with us. I considered her my other mom, she called me "Donia" which means daughter in Ukrainian. She loved her sons very much. It makes me think of when I had to tell Yuriy she passed away. The pain in his eyes and the tears that followed, will be forever burned in my memory. We miss her so much. If she would have waited, things would have gotten better. If she would have been able to she a glimmer of light through all the darkness, she would be able to be here in our house with us, enjoying her life. My heart aches for Yuriy and Andy. They were too young to have lost their mom. As I sit here writing, tears are flowing as if it were yesterday. Suicide is not the answer, whatever is wrong with your life, it will eventually get better one way or the other, I truly believe that because I have seen it. When I get weary I just pray that it will get easier...and with time it does.
This year was better, its been four years now and he doesn't hide in his room on holidays anymore and he is able to spend time with people without being sad. With time he has seen that he is very loved and I tell him all the time that his angel is watching over him.

Today Yuriy had physical therapy and he walked 1,430 feet with his trainer! No joke. We went to the forest preserves next to the facility and he just walked. His trainer Tomas is amazing, he is the best therapist we could have asked for. It was as if he were put in our life for a reason. Yuriy trusts him and enjoys working out with him. I don't know where we would be if we didnt find next steps. I just know Yuriy wouldn't be doing so well and he wouldn't be so healthy. The exercise they do with him, I wouldn't be able to do with him. I am so thankful for everyone there.

Well I should be going to bed its 12:30 so my whole "I'm going to try and go to bed earlier" went out the window, just like every night. I am a night owl, just like my mom and grandma, what can I say I guess it runs in the family! :)

<3 Aimee Z

Talk to me

Today was a busy day, The day began at 9am, I woke up a few times during the night, not too sure why. Finally got up made Yuriy's meds and made breakfast. After we ate I got him dressed and ready to go. Then I got ready and we were out of the door with in a half hour, we have it down to a science after five years lol. Today was a little different because the CNA that is usually here for five hours in the morning had to call off so it was all up to me.
We drove to next steps for his physical therapy appointment. He did walking and mat work. He works so hard every session, I sometimes will just watch him and am in awe, he knows what he wants and knows he has to work to get it. If the the situations were reversed I don't know if I could do what he does.
After therapy we had to run to the store, now it seems simple but there are things that I think of every time we go anywhere, Is it accessible? Do they have automatic doors? I hope theres parking. Well this place (which I can't say where right now maybe next week I will say lol) It had no auto doors and there wasn't adequate handicap parking but I do what I do best, adapt and overcome. Its all about technique lol. Anyways we get in just fine get what we need to, then leaving I got out of the first set of doors just fine then had trouble with the second set, and wouldn't you know it,not one person offered to help. There was a lady right there and nothing. I used to make a comment out loud, loud enough for them to hear, but I have learned to just not even spend my time on them. So that was aggravating.
We got home ate lunch, then I had some projects I do to do. Exciting things like putting on a new toilet seat! Now in the past I would have had someone do this for me, but I did it and Yuriy was there for support. Then I did some other things around the house, I guess we have creepin charlie weeds on the front lawn, or so the tru green guys tell me and they are bad. Who knew? When he told me I had a creeping charlei on the front lawn I thought charlie sheen was out there lol. Anyways so I think I may give in and have the experts get rid of them.
So things like this remind me that if Yuriy was not injured he would be doing all of this stuff, but this is what it is so I have to learn to do things on my own.
So later on we went shopping again, this time it was for a cord for my old camera, long story short we went to staples then best buy, ended up buying this thing that convert mini dv's to dvds, it is pretty awesome.
I am obsessed with documenting my life, whether its pictures or video. I think its because in the past I didnt document well enough. I wish I had more video or recording of Yuriy's voice on it, I miss his voice very much. That is the one thing that kept me going during his deployment and our long distance relationship was hearing him. I think thats the hardest thing about this brain injury is communication..We would spend hours on the phone...but I am grateful he has his personality and can still make me laugh even with out saying anything.
OK Well another goal for me is to go to sleep earlier LOL We will see how that goes.

~Aimee

Intro

So after many attempts at writing a blog I think I may start writing.
I usually start writing and then just forget or get distracted. I need to start getting my thoughts out in whatever way I can. I have a tendency to just keep everything inside my head but that is not healthy.
Not sure where I am going to go with this blog but I guess I will write about daily things, important things, and just about anything.
My husband and I just recently moved out of my parents house, and it has been a big adjustment. It is really harder than it looks, to be on your own and having to take care of Yuriy. Along with my two cats, clean, cook and keep up with the bills. It has been about eight months now and we are starting to get a routine. There are days where I really don't want to get out of bed but I now he needs me to get up so I force myself. Other days are pretty easy, well as easy as they can be.
I am so very happy I have a supportive family and great friends. So it may take me a while to open up on here but I will share with you my journey I have been through these past five years and the things that come up when your a caregiver.

<3

Goals for this year

So it being the new year 2011! I have made mental notes of what I want/need to do this year. My first priority is ME! I have spent the past 5 year putting my husband's needs before mine, which was completely necessary given the circumstance, but now that he has some home health care and he is healthy, I need to worry about what I want and need.

So here is the list:

1. Sign up for a class

2. Eat healthy and exercise

3. Find out what I like to do

4. Begin writing more

5. Hang out with a friend at least once a week if possible

6. Don't be afraid to ask for help

7. Go on a WW caregiver retreat

8. Start counseling

9. Go on a vacation

Well thats what I came up with so far.

<3>