Invisible

There are days where I feel invisible, I feel like I don't have my own voice. There are days where I want to branch out and do something for me, yet seem paralyzed with fear. But if my husband wanted to do something new, I wouldn't think twice. I think its years of putting his needs before mine. I don't even know what my needs are some days, By the end of the day I am exhausted from everyday being a caregiver, working in the house, emailing, budgeting, returning phone calls, making appointments, and everything else that comes up, like today our accessible van (which is new and we love it) but the power door that works with the ramp decided not to work, so I had to call rollx three times, leave messages and yet no phone call. Then I looked at Yuriy's skin today and the bumps I noticed the other day have not gone away or have gotten a little worse. So I had to call the doctor to fit him in tomorrow. We were going to attend a black tie event but now its looking more like we will be not going, hope we get invited next year..
I guess this happens when your a caregiver, you loose your identity. How do you get it back?
That is a journey I am now now. I feel like I lost who I was and am not even sure what I like to do or what I don't like to do. For five years its been all about my husband.
I am not saying this as a bad thing, my life had to be about him in order for him to get to where he is now, he is healthy, happy and getting the best treatment and I am proud of that fact. I take pride in how well I care for him and advocate for him.
But I have to begin to find me. Now this may sounds easy enough but in fact its very difficult. When my husband was injured I was 19 years old. I have changed so much since then.
I am a strong and wiser woman. I know more about life then I ever though possible. I learned that the little things that make me mad are not worth my time.
My outlook is that if it doesnt kill you it can only make you stronger, and I must be able to lift a semi in the air! LOL. I think there are good people in the world, I think that people that come into our lives for a reason and leave for a reason, The thing I have learned is that, if you have to work hard to keep someone in your life, it may be a sign. If they don't have the best interest for you or people you love, again may not be the person you want in your life anyway.
Its ok to feel pain, hurt, sadness and happiness. I have not achieved this yet, but I do feel its a good thing. There are days where the memories are too much and I just can't feel that much pain. But other days I just feel numb and empty.
Things that make me happy are, my cats, Meshka and Boris, accomplishing something, my nephews, my family, when my husband has a good day, good music, my home, my friends, nature and taking pictures. I used to enjoy scrap booking but right now I don't have the patience to sit there and do it. I want to start working out because i feel that will release some stress I carry around.
I also realized that I enjoy gardening :)

<3 Aimee