12 years.

A lot can happen in 12 years! 

So theres a ton going on in our lives right now, it's crazy! All good things but lots of stress too. 

Before I go into that though, Yesterday we were laying in bed, watching zootopia for the 800th time with our darling daughter and Yuriy reminds me that Thursday is the 6th. Which some of you may be thinking, "how in the world? he doesn't talk" well folks he doesn't talk but he communicates in a way I still cannot describe very well, his brother describes is at Pictionary without the pictures lol. Anyways, Yuriy has a memory you would not believe, I call him my  calendar because amazingly enough, even though is vision is bad and cannot see a calendar, he knows dates and days and times really well! 

Ok back to what I was saying, he reminded me its October 6th coming up which is the day we met, 12 years ago! I asked him if he's happy he met me, he smiled and shook his head yes. And I am of course happy we met! This isn't the way we imagined our life would be. But I think we both knew from the moment we met we would be together for a long time. There are days that go by that I do not think of what if's, there are days and weeks that I don't cry about loosing his abilities. Is that healing? I think so. Or maybe it's that we have been so busy and happy that I have no time to think about those things, which is probably why I stay insanely busy, its easier than dealing with all of those emotions. They never go away, I think I am just better at ignoring them. 

I can still see him walking out of the house the day I met him, skinny skater jeans, Jim Morrison t-shirt and a flannel. Tall and of course cute! It's where it all began.Sitting in his jeep for hours on end listening to music, talking for hours and hours. Never wanting to leave each other's side. 

If we didn't meet, fall in love right then and there, where would either of us be? Crazy to think. I am so thankful God or the universe brought us together. My life is hard, being his caregiver is hard but loving him has never been hard. I have loved him that day 12 years ago and to this day right now. Our love has evolved, changed to deeper and stronger, its been tested to the limit. But it's also rewarded us with our little one. She is the light of our life, she reminds us to be happy and excited for the littlest things. 

So as many of you know, we bought another house! We had been looking for a long time for a larger home and one that is accessible. Which is impossible to find! But we found one, in a wonderful area and now we have to renovate the bathroom, part of the basement for a in law suite and painting ect. We are so blessed to have the Chicago fire department come in an do all of the outdoor stuff we wouldn't be able to afford to do for a while. They are putting in a cement ramp in the front, making a HUGE deck in the back and putting a fence up. It is a true blessing to have people want to help our family even after 10 years of injury. They are our family and are eternally grateful for everything they are doing. (Will post more pictures soon! My computer is not letting me post anymore) 

Cannot wait to move into our new house! This whole going between two house with a disabled husband and a two, almost three year old is very difficult to say the least, but I know it will be worth it :) 

<3 
Aimee Z.

It takes a village.

It takes a village.
They say that about raising children (which is true) but also fits with caring for a loved one with a brain injury. As much as I don't like to admit it, I am only one person. Shocking I know but it's true. 
If it weren't for our main support system, we would not have gotten very far.
Tasks like going to the store can be a two person job for sure, one person to push the cart and Adelina and another to push Yuriy. It is sometimes the simplest tasks that can be the hardest. Going to a store without doors that open automatically can be a huge pain, the other day we went to the mall and of course I forgot and parked near the non automatic doors, well his brother Andriy was pushing Yuriy and I had Addie in the stroller, and some lady walked right past us with no offer of holding the door, which happens often, but the funny thing is she was wearing an American flag shirt. Well lady way to be patriotic and not hold the door open for a veteran lol. 

I am so thankful for my parents, they are always helping and are very supportive in anyway they can be. I know this is not true for some but I am very lucky to have the best parents. 

I know that Yuriy's mom and dad are also a big part of his recovery, they may not be here on this physical earth but they are with him daily.

Yuriy's brother Andriy took over the role of daytime caregiver a few years ago and I am so thankful for that. We had a few caregivers from agencies come out to help me during the day but none of them worked out, we have a lot of horror stories about them (we will save that for another blog). But nothing compares to family taking care of family. Yuriy is so much more himself when his brother is with him, they really are best friends and it makes me happy to see. His brother also has a wonderful girlfriend who helps us when she can and that is awesome! 

We are so blessed to have a large family, I have two brothers, a sister in law and four crazy nephews that we love so much. I am so happy Adelina gets to grow up with her cousins and uncles and aunt. She loves when we go out of Saturdays with her cousins. Not to mention family near and far. 

We have had so much help over the years it would be impossible to write everyone and every organization down although I could :) But to know that strangers are willing to help you even though they have never met you is the most amazing feeling in the world. To know that people took time out of their day and helped us, whether is was a benefit,  work being done to our house, volunteering to clean our yard, sending a card, sending a Facebook message, those that pray for us, calling to check up on us, inviting us to outing and events, raised a service dog or sending Yuriy out of town for treatment know that we are thankful. I wish I was better at writing thank you notes but just please know that we are so very thankful and think of these things that have been done for us often. 

Meeting families that are going through similar life struggles have been a huge part of my well being, knowing that I am not the only one going through this crazy brain injury caregiver life is comforting and sad at the same time. No one wishes they could become a part of this club but here we are. And we are one of the toughest groups I know. But we gain strength and knowledge from each other. I have learned more from sitting in a waiting room with moms, dads, brothers and sisters that are caring for their loved one than I could have ever learned in a classroom. I have been guided by many for different ways to help Yuriy heal and help him get as far as he can. We all share a certain drive that cannot be derailed easily. Not to mention that brain injury survivors themselves. They are tough and don't give up which helps Yuriy see that he should keep going too. 

Doctors that believe the brain can heal itself. Doctors that actually listen to the wife when she says maybe he should go off of this medication and they actually listen. Doctors that will continue therapy even after others have said well he has platued at a certain level. Nurses and other medical professional that treat Yuriy like a human. They talk to him and ask him questions even though he can speak, they try to communicate with him, instead of talking just to me. And thank you for taking care of my husband when he gets too sick for me to care for him. Physical therapist and trainers that push themselves and Yuriy to the max. 

His speech therapist at the VA is also amazing and has seen from day one that he has the ability to communicate and that he is 100% aware and understands every thing. She continues to try to get him the best technology the VA can buy to help him get his point across. It is a tricky road but I am glad she hasn't given up on him, like others have. 

My best friend Amber. 

Finding our faith again and joining the Ukrainian orthodox church has been a much needed piece in our life, they bring us happiness and friendship that we were very much missing. We have met many lifelong friends. 

Fellow veterans. No long explanation needed, they just get it. They look at him with respect and appreciation. They thank him and truly care what is going on with him. 



Brando Yury's service dog has made a huge impact on our life. He calms Yuriy's anxiety when most can't. He is a great companion and friend. 

Last but not least our daughter, she is the light of our life and mommy and daddy's little helper. She takes good care of her daddy and truly has made our life better. 

There are many more people that I would love to include but I'm afraid this will turn into a novel. 

But even with all of that, there are tough days that cannot be avoided, but I just hold my head high and know that tomorrow is another day to try again. I think that those days are just as important because they make you appreciate the good days, they are important because we are human and need to know that its ok not to be ok all of the time. 

Hope all of you know that we are thankful you are in our lives, whether its a big part or little, it means a lot to us. 

Well off to bed I go. Hope you all have a great night! 

<3 Aimee Z

Life goes on..

How can I go for days, weeks and sometimes months not thinking about how life could have been, how my life with Yuriy before he was injured was like a fairytale? I know its because its pointless  really. We live in the present. 2016. But there are days or mostly nights that these memories, thoughts, pictures creep through my wall I built in my brain. And just like that I am there. The pain is real. The way he would always be excited to talk to me, or see me. As I was equally excited to see him. We could and would talk for hours, shortly after starting to date he sent me a phone on his plan so I wouldn't go broke with long distance bills. (I got a bill for $300!)

As hard as it is to look back, its important too. That is where our love began and our souls connected.
I look at our life today and I am happy, most days. Life is not like a movie, its not always pretty or perfect but its life. We go shopping, to therapy, to the zoo, swim lessons for our daughter, we own a home, we have love for each other and our family. I feel somewhat "normal" which is something I never thought I would say. Its a new different normal but still normal. We have a group of people that have become like family, finding our church was really something we needed. It gives us something else to focus on besides therapies and doctor visits. They make us feel like we belong there, which in the 10 years of his injury has been very difficult to find. They don't stare at Yuriy or look at us with pity, they treat us like the normal family. I love that Adelina will grow up learning about our faith and also making friends along the way. I didn't realize we were missing that part of our life but we were.

Brain injury is like a family member that no one likes. But its permanent so we just get used to having it around. I feel like i have slowed down from when he was first injured. I would spend hours and hours on the computer looking for a cure, treatment, anything to get my husband back.
He has tried so many things, some of which he loved and others he hated, but he still did them. But right now I know he is doing the most he can and he is happy even with his disability, which has given me a new perspective. And to be honest I am tired, I am a mommy to a very active toddler and it really limits your ability to function well :)
We are enjoying our lives instead of always searching, there has to be a balance. It took me years to find it though and I still have guilt that he may get better through something that I haven't found yet. I wish and pray for him to wake up one day and talk or walk or be able to see clearly but I know that its not up to me.
I wish Adelina could have met her daddy before and know how fun he was, I can see him throwing her in the air, giving piggy back rides, running after her, teaching her how to skateboard. But she does know her daddy, she knows him better that anyone. Her daddy is strong, brave and never gives up, he loves her more than life itself. Those things are the important ones. She knows her mommy would do anything to help her and show her the best life possible. She is growing up to be an extraordinary little human.

It has been some time since I wrote a blog post, but I thought it may be time to start again and see how it goes.

<3 aimee

Invisible

There are days where I feel invisible, I feel like I don't have my own voice. There are days where I want to branch out and do something for me, yet seem paralyzed with fear. But if my husband wanted to do something new, I wouldn't think twice. I think its years of putting his needs before mine. I don't even know what my needs are some days, By the end of the day I am exhausted from everyday being a caregiver, working in the house, emailing, budgeting, returning phone calls, making appointments, and everything else that comes up, like today our accessible van (which is new and we love it) but the power door that works with the ramp decided not to work, so I had to call rollx three times, leave messages and yet no phone call. Then I looked at Yuriy's skin today and the bumps I noticed the other day have not gone away or have gotten a little worse. So I had to call the doctor to fit him in tomorrow. We were going to attend a black tie event but now its looking more like we will be not going, hope we get invited next year..
I guess this happens when your a caregiver, you loose your identity. How do you get it back?
That is a journey I am now now. I feel like I lost who I was and am not even sure what I like to do or what I don't like to do. For five years its been all about my husband.
I am not saying this as a bad thing, my life had to be about him in order for him to get to where he is now, he is healthy, happy and getting the best treatment and I am proud of that fact. I take pride in how well I care for him and advocate for him.
But I have to begin to find me. Now this may sounds easy enough but in fact its very difficult. When my husband was injured I was 19 years old. I have changed so much since then.
I am a strong and wiser woman. I know more about life then I ever though possible. I learned that the little things that make me mad are not worth my time.
My outlook is that if it doesnt kill you it can only make you stronger, and I must be able to lift a semi in the air! LOL. I think there are good people in the world, I think that people that come into our lives for a reason and leave for a reason, The thing I have learned is that, if you have to work hard to keep someone in your life, it may be a sign. If they don't have the best interest for you or people you love, again may not be the person you want in your life anyway.
Its ok to feel pain, hurt, sadness and happiness. I have not achieved this yet, but I do feel its a good thing. There are days where the memories are too much and I just can't feel that much pain. But other days I just feel numb and empty.
Things that make me happy are, my cats, Meshka and Boris, accomplishing something, my nephews, my family, when my husband has a good day, good music, my home, my friends, nature and taking pictures. I used to enjoy scrap booking but right now I don't have the patience to sit there and do it. I want to start working out because i feel that will release some stress I carry around.
I also realized that I enjoy gardening :)

<3 Aimee

Miss you...

Mama Zmysly, Ginny, My mom and I in 2005.


This weekend was amazing and busy.
Saturday we successfully pulled off a surprise party for my best friend Amber. Her boyfriend had been planning this for a few months and asked if we could have it at our house. I said of course, having no prior knowledge or experience with surprise parties it was a learning process. I decorated and made sure everything was in place, my mom helped a lot and also Joe, her boyfriend took care of most of things. It was a combined effort. I text messaged her around the time I was suppose to, saying my basement (that is being remodeled) started to flood. Luckily she didn't talk to me on the phone because she wouldn't have believed me LOL. She came in and the look on her face was priceless. I am so happy I could be a part of her day. She really has stood by me through everything I have gone through. She always listens, never judges me and has accepted Yuriy for who he is and treats him equally. That is why she is my best friend.

The next day was Mother's day. I had volunteered our house to have a early dinner with my family. I think we should put a sign out front saying Party House! LOL I love it, although the clean up sucks, I really enjoy having everyone over. Usually if we went anywhere Yuriy would get uncomfortable, especially in public, like a restaurant, he would want to leave within an hour or so. Here is his home, his sofa is his safe zone, and he will hang out with everyone and I don't have to worry about leaving early and miss out on spending time with my family and friends. So mom and I got dinner ready, while the kids and my brothers were outside in the back yard. My mom said she loved that everyone was laid back and just had a relaxing day. So it was a successful Mothers day.

Mother's day can be difficult for Yuriy as well as myself. It makes us reflect on how it would be if his mom were still with us. I considered her my other mom, she called me "Donia" which means daughter in Ukrainian. She loved her sons very much. It makes me think of when I had to tell Yuriy she passed away. The pain in his eyes and the tears that followed, will be forever burned in my memory. We miss her so much. If she would have waited, things would have gotten better. If she would have been able to she a glimmer of light through all the darkness, she would be able to be here in our house with us, enjoying her life. My heart aches for Yuriy and Andy. They were too young to have lost their mom. As I sit here writing, tears are flowing as if it were yesterday. Suicide is not the answer, whatever is wrong with your life, it will eventually get better one way or the other, I truly believe that because I have seen it. When I get weary I just pray that it will get easier...and with time it does.
This year was better, its been four years now and he doesn't hide in his room on holidays anymore and he is able to spend time with people without being sad. With time he has seen that he is very loved and I tell him all the time that his angel is watching over him.

Today Yuriy had physical therapy and he walked 1,430 feet with his trainer! No joke. We went to the forest preserves next to the facility and he just walked. His trainer Tomas is amazing, he is the best therapist we could have asked for. It was as if he were put in our life for a reason. Yuriy trusts him and enjoys working out with him. I don't know where we would be if we didnt find next steps. I just know Yuriy wouldn't be doing so well and he wouldn't be so healthy. The exercise they do with him, I wouldn't be able to do with him. I am so thankful for everyone there.

Well I should be going to bed its 12:30 so my whole "I'm going to try and go to bed earlier" went out the window, just like every night. I am a night owl, just like my mom and grandma, what can I say I guess it runs in the family! :)

<3 Aimee Z

Talk to me

Today was a busy day, The day began at 9am, I woke up a few times during the night, not too sure why. Finally got up made Yuriy's meds and made breakfast. After we ate I got him dressed and ready to go. Then I got ready and we were out of the door with in a half hour, we have it down to a science after five years lol. Today was a little different because the CNA that is usually here for five hours in the morning had to call off so it was all up to me.
We drove to next steps for his physical therapy appointment. He did walking and mat work. He works so hard every session, I sometimes will just watch him and am in awe, he knows what he wants and knows he has to work to get it. If the the situations were reversed I don't know if I could do what he does.
After therapy we had to run to the store, now it seems simple but there are things that I think of every time we go anywhere, Is it accessible? Do they have automatic doors? I hope theres parking. Well this place (which I can't say where right now maybe next week I will say lol) It had no auto doors and there wasn't adequate handicap parking but I do what I do best, adapt and overcome. Its all about technique lol. Anyways we get in just fine get what we need to, then leaving I got out of the first set of doors just fine then had trouble with the second set, and wouldn't you know it,not one person offered to help. There was a lady right there and nothing. I used to make a comment out loud, loud enough for them to hear, but I have learned to just not even spend my time on them. So that was aggravating.
We got home ate lunch, then I had some projects I do to do. Exciting things like putting on a new toilet seat! Now in the past I would have had someone do this for me, but I did it and Yuriy was there for support. Then I did some other things around the house, I guess we have creepin charlie weeds on the front lawn, or so the tru green guys tell me and they are bad. Who knew? When he told me I had a creeping charlei on the front lawn I thought charlie sheen was out there lol. Anyways so I think I may give in and have the experts get rid of them.
So things like this remind me that if Yuriy was not injured he would be doing all of this stuff, but this is what it is so I have to learn to do things on my own.
So later on we went shopping again, this time it was for a cord for my old camera, long story short we went to staples then best buy, ended up buying this thing that convert mini dv's to dvds, it is pretty awesome.
I am obsessed with documenting my life, whether its pictures or video. I think its because in the past I didnt document well enough. I wish I had more video or recording of Yuriy's voice on it, I miss his voice very much. That is the one thing that kept me going during his deployment and our long distance relationship was hearing him. I think thats the hardest thing about this brain injury is communication..We would spend hours on the phone...but I am grateful he has his personality and can still make me laugh even with out saying anything.
OK Well another goal for me is to go to sleep earlier LOL We will see how that goes.

~Aimee

Intro

So after many attempts at writing a blog I think I may start writing.
I usually start writing and then just forget or get distracted. I need to start getting my thoughts out in whatever way I can. I have a tendency to just keep everything inside my head but that is not healthy.
Not sure where I am going to go with this blog but I guess I will write about daily things, important things, and just about anything.
My husband and I just recently moved out of my parents house, and it has been a big adjustment. It is really harder than it looks, to be on your own and having to take care of Yuriy. Along with my two cats, clean, cook and keep up with the bills. It has been about eight months now and we are starting to get a routine. There are days where I really don't want to get out of bed but I now he needs me to get up so I force myself. Other days are pretty easy, well as easy as they can be.
I am so very happy I have a supportive family and great friends. So it may take me a while to open up on here but I will share with you my journey I have been through these past five years and the things that come up when your a caregiver.

<3